January 4,1949
Dear diary,
Yesterday something horrible has happened. My father killed himself. I don't know where to start, but I'll try.
Two days ago I had a big fight with my dad, since I realized he was responsible for the death of 21 pilots by shipping cracked heads during the war. I was so shocked and disappointed from him, I couldn't bare the thought that my own father, the one that loved me so much, could be such an irresponsible person and take the life of others.
However, I am disappointed from myself too. I ran away. I didn't try to understand him for a change, and now look at him! He is dead! and I'm living with this guilt faults(מיותר) forever...
When I came back home, life wasn't any easier. I apologized to Ann for suspecting my dad and doing nothing about it, but I couldn't do anything about it, I couldn't put him in jail. However I wish I did, maybe he wouldn't be dead now.
I felt as if my dad started to understand he was wrong, when he said he would turn himself in, right after reading Larry's letter. When Mother realized he wasn't alive she was devastated. We all were. Somehow we all knew he wasn't alive; but hoped Mother was right. My brother killed himself because of his(מיותר) father's actions. This must have been a shock to my father,therefore, he was incredibly sad.
I suspected him(מיותר). It didn't occur to me that "Joe McGuts", who survived jail and returned very proud of himself, would give up so easily. Especially, after all the things he said to justify his actions. I was blind and rude. My mother told my to stop, to give it up, however I didn't. I tried to be an idealist and teach everyone, including my father, that there are(gr.-were) wider consequences for their actions. However, what I didn't understand is that there are(gr.) also consequences to my own actions.
The moment the gunshot was heard I knew it was my father. Scared to death, yet hoping I was wrong, I got into the house. Eventhough I knew the truth, I couldn't believe what I saw. My own dad was lying there, without an expression on his face. I can't feel guilty enough, I tried to teach him a lesson, tried to be an idealist, however I wasn't aware of the consequences. Knowing that one of your kids killed himself because of you, and the other is willing to put you in jail must be devastating. If I could take it back I wouldn't be rude to him, I would try to understand. I love and miss him so much, and will forever feel guilty for his death.
That's All for today,
Chris
Great!
(96)
Daphna
(96)
Daphna
